Spewings of Minutiae

RIP David Carradine

2009-06-04T19:12:00.000-07:00

December 8, 1936 - June 4, 2009
You will be missed. :(

The Mysterious Bejeweled Thingamabob -What Is This?

2009-04-11T12:08:00.000-07:00

I found something beautiful the other day, glittering in the sun. No one was around. At first I thought it might be a very expensive pen. The jewels (from a distance) looked as if they could be real. I pocketed the rather weighty item, went on my way.
Little did I know!
My first stop was a friend at the bank. I figured "H" would quickly tell me what it was. If anyone would know, it would be H. I was wrong. And now H is also very curious about the object. I asked B, and J, and L, and M, and K, and on and on. No one knew.
And now 9 people are also very curious to know: What is this Mysterious Bejeweled Doohicky Thingamabob? It appears to be well-made, though the diamonds and sapphires are not real( aw,shucks;). There is black enameling between the silver inlay. The only thing I can guess is perhaps "calligraphy pen with tip broken off."
I pose the question to you: What is this?

Dec 1991 - Sept 23 , 2008

2008-09-25T11:42:00.000-07:00

Beloved Gee in her favorite place (in my arms). She got to leave this world in her favorite place. Hers was a blessed life from start to finish. I miss her very much:(

Here I am!

2008-04-26T13:25:00.000-07:00

Seems like every time I post now something happens to contradict the cheerful tone.
To instantly render my post obsolete. I swear I'm building a phobia about posting.:(

Lotta stuff going on recently, upsetting things that I'm trying to overcome. Taxes and all that is involved with having to file married. There's a lot more to that one,
I'm sure you all can imagine... I'd better concentrate on trying to catch up at others' blogs rather than trying to say more.
A nice coincidence recently: Happened to be at Pete's for the 1st time in a long while, remembering something about a link for a free T - I want that T . Happened to catch a post that was brand new, at least there weren't yet any comments and the time indicated it was brand new. So I said hello, sort of. ;)

But I fear it gave the idea I've been online much more than I have been. If I *had* been online, I would have been blogging the people that have actually been blogging me! I wouldn't just write Pete without writing anyone else, yet this must be the impression I am giving these days! I know people have not seen me anywhere else. It's true I don't lurk at the forums or anywhere - I just don't have it in me to keep my big mouth shut ( or fingers tied away from keyboard?) when lurking. ;)
Anyway, I've missed posting about a lot of things...the passing of people that brought light to the world. RIP M.R. and C.H. (to name a couple). You are gone but not forgotten.
And neither are any of my friends - you are not forgotten! I miss you.

A Door Closes....

2008-03-09T12:14:00.000-07:00

...a window opens?
I hope so!

A lot has gone on since I last posted anything. I didn't realize I'd been away from the blog for that long!
The divorce is finally finished. It was distinctly unpleasant for both of us. Understatement, that.;)
I was surprised at how unhappy he'd seemed that final day in court. He actually seemed more devastated!Was it an act? An award worthy performance? Didn't seem so.
I figured he'd be thrilled at my lack of fight, my lack of greed, my lack of lawyer. The fact that it had all been so clean and I'd kept it to financial matters only, and even deliberately kept out things I wasn't supposed to know about (but did) financially, in order to end it quickly. I didn't care anymore, I was walking away from the fight. He knew that. So why did he seem so sad, upset?
I wondered about that for too long afterwards.

So it's taken time to get over it. The longest chapter of my life. The childhood sweetheart aspect made it worse. These are the people that help form us.
I didn't want to write or communicate for a long time because I felt too sad and bitter. Plus I was exhausted. I still feel tired...

But just lately I am starting to feel that I might be waking from an epic bad dream. Spring is here.
Winter and my marriage are past now. The air outside is sweet. I walk along and think:
"Oh please, let this tiny feeling of hope grow!
Don't let it be a fleeting thing that dies too soon before it even really lives!"
Because I do have some hope now. :)

And I also *hope* all is well for everyone here! Thanks for not forgetting about me!:) xoxo

Happy Holidays Everyone!

2007-12-25T23:52:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to put that up while it's still technically Christmas. It is here,
anyway. Merry Christmas! Sorry I've too busy to reply yet.:P xoxoxo

What I've Been Up To (among other things)...

2007-11-30T14:17:00.000-08:00

No seriously, check this out. Give it a chance. The whole thing.
I was hard on myself during this video, but after I watched it, I realized.
Practice makes perfect. This kicks ass. :)
But I'm sorry that I've been rudely reclusive. Problems, money and otherwise.
Also I flat out don't have the money for Pete's blog. His new blog wasn't good timing for me, financially...
Not blogging anyone did wind up being a creatively productive time for me. :)
I am sorry, though, for not keeping in touch, returning concerned emails. I didn't realize it had been that long since I'd blogged anyone, or even posted something to say that I was ok! No excuses.
I need to try and be better about emailing people, at the least. :(

Did you watch the video, a premiere of my original finished song Soylent Blues?
Do you plan on leaving a comment, or a hello?
Do you see the little metal can below the screen with the slot on the top of it?
Please deposit 2 quarters into the slot.
Hehehe...just kidding.
I couldn't resist. ;)

Give the lady a hand...

2007-10-03T21:10:00.000-07:00

There have still been odd little things happening here with regards to someone leaving things on my car, etc.
Recently when my car was even dustier than usual, I came out one day (the same day of the week that I usually find things on my car from the secret admirer)and there was a hand print right in the center of the hood of my car. Fingers pointed out towards the road. Looked weird, like my car was branded or something. I actually stood next to my car and kinda leaned over, had to stretch and contort a little to place my hand exactly over the hand to see how they did it. And to see just how large the hand was (to figure out if a younger kid did it). I didn't touch it, though. They had to be taller than I am. Or at least have a longer arm than I do. Their hand was definitely larger than mine, too. :(
This creeped me out a little, so I went and washed my car right away. Even if it was a coincidence, I didn't like it. Kinda timely coincidence, with the other stuff left on the hood of my car.

Another Crisis Passes (for now)...

2007-09-09T20:37:00.000-07:00

No sooner had I reappeared online, problems found me again. That's exactly how it was, too. I was minding my own business, hadn't done anything wrong, and a couple of different things happened simultaneously to wreck me. Unfair things. Potentially very devastating things. I was really angry and I think I handled it all very well considering. The ex was a factor in most of it. So I chose to lay low recently rather than write about it here. Again.
Anyway, I hope there's not another crisis for a while. I need to enjoy being alive
again. I *am* enjoying life right now.
And I've been tagged, apparently. I have to find out what that is. ;)
I've missed people. I'm forgetting what I was going to originally blog about tonight.:P

2007-09-01T20:48:00.000-07:00

http://wtsgd.blogspot.com/

Weirdness...

2007-08-24T11:06:00.000-07:00

There's been some weirdness here, strange little things happening. It's been going on for awhile now:

- - -

Someone left these tall flowering plants, roots and all, laying across the hood of my
car a little over a week ago. Exactly one week after that, they left an empty
12-pack of Coors light.
Except I don't think the box was originally empty. I think
someone stole the beer that was left on top of my car for me. It's that kind of neighborhood. If you leave something outside on the sidewalk or on top of your car
for 2 days (like I did with this beer), someone will walk off with it. Especially if it's beer. ;)
I don't like beer, actually. But the person obviously doesn't know this.

The flowers sprout from red, heart shaped bulbs...
They'd been careful not to get dirt on my car, even though they'd left the roots attached. And they knew which silver car out there was mine. I seem to have a secret admirer, I guess. Isn't that what people used to call this sort of thing? I dunno.

Re-creation of Goober-cat-food incident:

2007-07-16T13:53:00.000-07:00

Photo Sharing - - -

The Real Icky Thump Video (finally)...

2007-07-04T14:29:00.000-07:00

Icky Thump Revisited :)

2007-06-28T16:50:00.000-07:00

I think I'm gettin' it! It's the lyrics I was reading, I admit. But I was
playing this by ear (as usual:).

Important When My Computer Died:

2007-06-27T20:59:00.000-07:00

I keep forgetting this, even though it's important:
When my computer died I lost everything. everyone's email addresses, everything.
In fact, it was that kind of huge loss where you don't/can't grasp what all you've lost at first. You register the big stuff right away, and then it becomes the gift that keeps on giving. Yesterday I realized I was missing certain people's emails. Unfortunately, it was the email address of someone that no longer has their email address up. Which reminded me to mention this here. I have tried and been able to
replace some, but others, no. I wanted to make a list of people and post it here, but then it occurred me that they should have their privacy respected.
It has hurt to lose some of these addresses, I can't easily replace them.

Anyway, I guess how I'll play this is:
If I have emailed you before, and if you've emailed me, and you haven't heard from
me in email for a long time, this might be why. I *would* email certain people with what's going on but I can't.
Dang it, my space bar keeps sticking. Recently I posted "noticeable" as "notice able"
at someone else's blog. :)
Hope you all are fine! Email me! Go ahead! Although I don't want no stinkin' spam.:P

Fear...

2007-06-24T12:46:00.000-07:00

I'm doing better mentally/emotionally since the stunning court day this past week.
I was on a sort of natural valium - type high afterwards, feeling so relaxed after
all that time of dreading/fearing the big day in court.
Bu the fear started to replace it again when I realized that I probably have a bull's eye on my back now. Maybe he was waiting to see how it was going to be in court
before deciding to do something drastic. This makes sense to me. I shouldn't have been so scared before court, NOW is the time I should be afraid because the truth is coming out in court, and he doesn't want that. I don't have all the answers, not by a long shot.
In fact, I have more questions now than I did going in. Such as tax questions.
But I can't go into it all here, I know. Besides, I really feel that he is lurking now.
*(Just now came back and edited out a lot of what I wrote right here.)*
This story is like something out of a Lifetime movie. The details and the level of deception. Anyway, I've said too much already.

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend. :)

Out Of Control (not really)!

2007-06-17T10:05:00.000-07:00

The last time I felt this way, sort of desperate, sad, scared - I wound up drinking and home perming. The drunken home perm fiasco. In fact, to the right, you'll see my current blog photo, with long, flowing bangs. This isn't a very old photo, yet it must be pre-drunken home perm. My bangs went with the home perm. I wore kerchiefs on me 'ead aftwards, as evidenced in this stunning previous profile photo:

- - -
Yep.
Anyway, I've heard it said that when women are going through hard times in their life- times where they feel things aren't in their control- they tend to do something drastic to their hair. It was in context of Brittany Spears' head shaving incident. But I know this is true. And I immediately thought of my own recent experiments.

Well, I am now feeling this way again. Recognizing it was good, I didn't do any hair cutting or drastic actions, but I did have some fun recently experimenting with temporary dyes.
Red:

- - -
Another one:

- - -
A drunk man followed me onto the beach and then all the way on my walk yesterday.
I got a lot of attention yesterday with this hair,I wasn't prepared for that.
Immediately afterwards (after extricating myself from the friendly homeless guy)I went and got something to tone it down. It was pretty, but more flamboyant than I
wanted.
When my hair was wet, temporary illusion, it suddenly looked very dark. This
was something I'd not ever tried, to go darker with my hair. I turned the webcam
on and snapped a few pics:

- - -
One more (excuse the old pajama top in the photos - what better to dye in?):

- - -
*Note* I'm growing my bangs out. I miss the long hair in front-this is how far it's grown since the perm-burn in front.. :(
So should I go brunette? Like the illusion above? Or go back to dark blonde hair? I'm feeling dark with my mood, so I guess I'm wanting to show it with my hair. I have to go to divorce court in a couple of days, maybe there's a subconscious desire to throw off my ex, surprise him...Hmmm....
Anyway,
Hope all's well with everyone! Happy Father's Day to all you Dad's out there!:)xoxoxo

2007-06-10T10:02:00.000-07:00

Icky Thump lyrics

I know where the video is (en Espanol) but there's no embed for it. It's been yanked all over the place.*this is not the original video but it works*
I love this song/video. It rocks! Reminds me of adventures I've had in Mexico. My fave part: "Lalalalalalalalalalaaaaa" ;)

*The real video*

2007-06-09T17:56:00.000-07:00

This cat amused me.
Sometimes they really are like humans. Check out how fixated he is on the TV. Chunky little couch potato.:)

Weekend Thoughts...

2007-06-09T11:09:00.000-07:00

It's been too hot lately, my energy level has been lower. I still walk daily, but the heat in the afternoon has been getting to me. It's been getting to Chicky Woo, as well -he's taken to stealing the best spot in the house, in front of the AC. And he sits there with his rump to it, the blast ruffling the fur all over his body. I've never seen a cat do this. Oh, he's stolen my seat a thousand and one times, but this sitting directly in front of the AC is new. Aw, poor Chicky.
Now get out of my spot!;)
*note* I checked him over, actually, to make sure he wasn't heatstroked or dehydrated. He's fine. He's just a brat. ;)

Otherwise I'm laying low, stressing out about an upcoming divorce court date. It had been delayed, rescheduled due to that Memorial Day weekend. That's why I'd not mentioned the Big Day again. Actually, I'd wondered about that in the 1st place when I filed the papers and received that initial court date. I knew it was going to be around the holiday. Sure enough.
So the Big Day is a couple weeks from now.
Plus my various old physical injuries are worse than ever. There are specifics and
it's just the way it is. :( I deal with it. I'm not complaining, not really.

I'm trying to enjoy the weekend and catch up on blogging, nothing I can do right now or tomorrow, eh?
It was you all checking in that is helping me to get through this stuff. As usual I want to say more but I shouldn't. I appreciate you a lot. I hope you all are doing better than I am, for sure. And I know that I could be doing worse myself, there is always that potential. Eeeek!
So I am grateful for the good in life that I have. I should say that more often, I admit. " I am grateful for the good things in my life."
Such as blogger friends. :)

2007-06-03T15:42:00.001-07:00

Needs no introduction or explanation. :)

Computer Down Again....

2007-06-01T09:25:00.000-07:00

I didn't get a chance to catch up with you guys, before it died again!:(
I removed and cleaned a box-fan thingie and a couple of other things, connected them back up again, and voila! Here I am again? How am I managing to do this? :)
Miss everyone.

I'm Back! Sort Of...

2007-05-26T08:47:00.000-07:00

"It can't be the videocard, that never goes out"

Hehe, that's what I get for listening to others when I knew in my gut it was indeed
the videocard. I finally said to myself "try it anyway" and dug up my old videocard out of the closet. Plugged it in, and here I am! Didn't I miss someone's birthday, BTW? ;)

Thanks everyone that worried for me, I really haven't been so great and you were all picking up on that, I can see now by reading all the comments.
I've missed you all badly! xoxoxoox

computer down

2007-05-14T13:24:00.000-07:00

I think it's my video card-I'm on a neighbors computer,a laptop.
I can only hope that it wasn't a sabotage, like before. I'm not certain it's the video card, but it's a guess based upon certain things. Don't know what I can do to
fix it, I'm broke, for one.:(
I can't check my email right now.

Mr. Critical...

2007-05-12T19:44:00.000-07:00

- - -

Live!Looking -like -crap -in -the -middle -of- a- nervous -breakdown, it's Nabonidus!:)
Aw, I don't care. I came up with more lyrics for Mr. Critical and it made me feel a little better:

I say the sky is blue and you say it's gray
Mr.Critical
You pick apart everything that I say
Mr. Critical
Can't seem to say or do anything right
for you
I think it's clear we're through
Don't you?

You'd rather find fault with me
Then try to change yourself
It's always easier
to blame someone else

That's what I have so far. Needs work but it's coming along now. Makes me feel a little better because this is what I feel happened with us recently. He didn't want to stop drinking, he knew if he stayed with me he'd have to stop certain things, and he didn't want to stop. He's destroying himself. :(
I saw him fall back in love with me and he'd even admitted it. And it scared him.
I saw that, too. I didn't do a damned thing wrong in this reconciliation except try to help him.
I feel better for having said this because it has bothered me badly ever since it happened. It's like I did whatever I was supposed to do in the reconciliation process, but somehow I am looking like the bad guy.
One minute we were happy and falling back in love, next thing I know he's literally
inventing things to be mad at me about. I even have proof but I can't talk about it-I even was able to confront him with proof that he was purposely starting fights with me for no reason! God, I wish I could tell about this insanity. :(

Anyway. I'd better concentrate on my song. Else I get too sad again.
I like my new song. It's not that bad.*note* My voice is coming back from this horrible laryngitis, it's the first vocals I've done in awhile. It's hard for me to
sing "quietly" which is what I'm doing here -I sound best when projecting. But all the neighbors are in their yard right now eating, I can hear them and I think they can hear me. Don't really feel like giving them dinner theater tonight. :)

Waiting....

2007-05-08T08:52:00.000-07:00

For the other shoe to drop. He's being quiet, and I know it means that he's probably hiring high dollar lawyers and transferring this and that to here and there. He'll destroy me, he's just too smart to do it in broad daylight. With his bare hands.

I feel like I have the truth on my side, though. It's like the one thing I feel I have.
But I figure it's not enough. Having some low moments, I guess.
I can't say anything because he is probably checking in here. :(

Spoilers

2007-05-06T10:09:00.001-07:00

The answers to Name that Whune!
I will list them in the comments, so you'll have to open the
comments to see them.:)

Name Those Whunes!

2007-05-04T13:38:00.000-07:00

****New and Improved!*****
Find the Who tunes within another Who tune.
This time strictly Who stuff, not any original material
to make it even more confusing. :)

I was thinking, instead of listing the songs that you find just yet,
just say the amount of songs you found. That way no spoilers just yet :)
Hint: They are Who tunes. Not any solo stuff. Also not necessarily in the right
keys or even rhythms.Hehe...
It's #5 module.
Name that Whune:

Photo Sharing - - -

"You've Been Served"

2007-05-03T21:49:00.000-07:00

So we worked that part out. I saw him for a second.
Afterwards, I actually deadbolted my door with shaking hands, it wasn't handing them over, it's what is contained within those papers. So it was more anticipating that he might come back.
I'm really scared, actually. This just happened a few minutes ago. He's going to be mad. Because I'm asking questions, basically.
I shouldn't say any more.

Anyway, I need to eat. I haven't eaten today and I feel lightheaded. But I'm not hungry.
The divorce diet. :(
*update* I ordered a pizza. I rarely do such things, figured it would be almost
celebratory. A little treat.
Hope everyone else is well tonight. :)

Since I'm craving Sitting..

2007-05-02T19:36:00.000-07:00

I kept hearing something in module #5 at the Method home page, and I couldn't help myself. I recognized something in one of my own originals, I thought it might fit with this little rocking clip at module 5. But also I try a tiny nod at which Pete song I think this is. Not sure if it will be heard but this was a fun experiment. It was some improv. I probably shouldn't leave it up too long. Might be some sort of infringement. :)

2007-04-28T16:15:00.001-07:00

Kitten Calender Reunion Show

Major Accomplishment Yesterday...

2007-04-27T16:30:00.000-07:00

I did it. I filed a response. I filed for divorce.
There were these "Family Court Facilitators" at the courthouse, they are wonderful!
And free, regardless of financial income! Although there are filing fees but you can even get those waived under certain circumstances..
They make it far more complicated with the legal wording and paperwork than it needs to be, understatement of the year, belaboring the obvious, I realize. Heheh, I just basically said the equivalent of "the sky is blue." eh? :)

Anyway, they helped a lot! And now I need to get the papers to him, delivered, whatever. Today was the cutoff date for filing a response, so I was lucky to get that in on time!
I'm scared, though. I'm trying to figure out how to do this without having to hear any crap. Or worse.
And yet I need to get him the papers asap because he also has limited time and he was prompt with my papers.
Shit. :(
I want to say more but I shouldn't.
You can pay people to do this, but I don't have the money. And you can have the cops
do it, but that's not cool, and besides, I'd have to warn him first on that. Ask him if he minds the sheriff showing up at his work. Or his home. I would not just do that to someone. He didn't do that to me, even. I remember distinctly not wanting that.
So there needs to be a certain level of consideration.

Except that now, with the response,I'm not sure if I should see him. Have him come here and have my neighbor sign it off.
What was I thinking?
Suddenly I just got hit with this overwhelming feeling of dread. I have to call him, and tell him that the papers are filed and I need to get them to him...He'll ask what they said, if I "lawyered up"
and what did I check on the boxes? What am I asking for? On the phone. He won't even want to wait to see. He'll start interrogating me, I'll blow it, somehow, no matter what I say, and I can't even think from there. I'm getting scared. I think he still loves me, and hates me, too. Because I really am not this bad person that would deserve such rotten treatment from him.
I want to explain myself but I can't! But I just hope nothing bad happens to me.
I have to figure this out.But i'm having a bit of a panic attack, I think. :(

My 3rd piece...

2007-04-21T20:27:00.001-07:00

Ok, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eFFTYFRnrA

The video is supposed to play here:

It's up at Maria's, after determining that my computer is up to some mischief.
Which is why my attempts didn't work.:(
The 3rd piece of mine, after an almost all day attempt to get this thing up.
Maria made the most beautiful video for me to accompany my piece. She captured the joy I was feeling. I also had said that this was my most musically precocious piece, that's true. I'm actually very pleased with this one. In one sense I did try to make this one complex. Musically. Tech wise, noooo , hehe ;)
It took two tries , two sittings, before I really got the hang of things.

*note* This was guitar, vocals, and my own hand claps and drum rolls. I focused more on the piece itself contrasting and flowing properly and consistently. I literally recorded this right into the front of my computer without previously recording anything! And yet I was concentrating on 50 trillion notes and contrasts. :) I love it.

2007-04-20T22:47:00.000-07:00

Kitten Calender#4 The Finale!:)

Final Sitting Finished...

2007-04-20T22:01:00.000-07:00

Boohoo. :(
And yet I'm happy, and feel blessed to have been a part of this. I love my 3rd song the most, I think. I also believe it's the best of the 3. I told someone that it's the most
"musically precocious" of the 3. In fact I felt I had more of a clue. But I also had the most fun with it.The other two songs have some not-so-bad-parts to them, but there was a lot of lag and drag in between. And I don't want people to have to sit through that...Strictly my fault, I admit. I was just getting the hang of things and had made some bad beat choices, etc..
Although now the 3rd song, that's different. No lag and drag. I'll see if I can figure out how to upload it here.
I chose a pic from their choices, going for a specific match in the mood/feel I was going for.

More Feelings Of Joy...

2007-04-17T15:03:00.000-07:00

Songs are like audio puzzles to me, puzzles made of sound, and I love working these puzzles. Because there is a beauty and symmetry in putting the pieces together and having them fit. :)
And when they fit together, the payoff is...pure joy. :)
Partly for this reason I am really enjoying the Method.
But the other part is that The Method makes it seem like an internal reading somehow, but almost like magic,
or fortune telling. Or astrology, perhaps, which is based on some sort of scientific perspective.

It almost seems like magic combined with technology, and it's fun!

And makes one have more questions, the same way magic does, actually.
"How'd they do that?" and "what does it mean?"
"Are they really reading my mind?"
Heheh...

Thanks for The Method, Pete! It's wonderful! :D

And Now," Feelings Of Joy" :)

2007-04-16T22:49:00.000-07:00

I've been having a lot of fun with a certain project. I'm not finished, and it has nothing to do with any of the problems in my life. I don't want to be finished with this particular project, not just yet. :)

I figure everyone knows and is having fun with it themselves, too. Or are finished already. You could say I'm just "Sitting around." Heheh...:)
It actually gave me feelings of joy when I was listening to my 1st song, even though
it's more somber to begin with and continues that way for awhile. It was when it changed and lightened that I suddenly felt joy.
I am happy tonight. Even if it's fleeting, I felt joy tonight. I am loving this "project"!

and I wish the same joy for all of you! :):):)

A Tragic Day In America :( ...

2007-04-16T22:20:00.000-07:00

Monday, April 16, 2007. They are calling it "Massacre at Virginia Tech" on MSNBC.
Since the death toll may rise I can't say if it will be more than 33 dead and 26 wounded. What's worse, I heard a little while ago that they are now saying there was a second gunman after all, that got away. But I need to check all the facts on this, it just happened earlier today. So things are still coming out.
They are saying that it's the worst mass shooting in US history. Unbelievable.
Terrible. I'm just sick about this.:(:(:(
A moment of silence isn't enough, I know.

2007-04-14T00:06:00.000-07:00

Kitten Calender 3

Easter Is Hope...

2007-04-08T13:51:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter everyone. This is what Easter represents to me. It's a hopeful
holiday. A holiday based upon the restoring of faith and hope. And surely that's not bad. Even if you aren't a Christian you can feel it. When I was a kid it was probably the happiest of holidays in our house. My mom was happy and didn't have the pressure of Christmas. She seemed to delight in preparing secret gifts in a way that she didn't during Christmas.
We always had the best gifts on Easter, too. Sometimes it would be a combo of the needed and the extravagant. New shoes, sneakers, but stuffed with these special candies that she'd gotten from God knows where. They were like artwork. Little faces with such detail, with lots of different colors - too pretty to eat! I never did see candy like that again.

We would always do something fun later, too. Usually outdoors. Easter was also about nature and growth, newness. Yes, chicks and bunnies. It was nice to see my mom happy
( fairly predictably, too!)on this day. And the days leading up to it, actually.
But is it any wonder that there is a feeling of hope in the air at Easter? :)

2007-04-07T14:04:00.000-07:00

Kitten Calender #1

2007-04-07T12:05:00.001-07:00

Happy Easter Weekend Everyone!

2007-04-06T11:05:00.000-07:00

I figure that even if one doesn't celebrate the Christian Easter, they can celebrate the holiday weekend, the Spring aspect of it. Even if the weather is gray and gloomy (like it is here). I like Easter for the celebration of chocolate and bunnies and chicks. I love the brightly colored Easter baskets in the stores, it's all so cheerful!
It's the celebration of Spring and newness that I personally love. I know that it's also THE big day in the Christian world. So I admit that I especially wish my Christian friends a Happy Easter, I know that this is a most meaningful time for them.
Happy Easter weekend everyone!:)

Humorous Confession...

2007-04-05T22:43:00.000-07:00

Well, since I've been confessing things all over the place lately, I'll lighten up with a funny but true confession:
The drunken home perm WAS, in fact, a disaster. Not just in the fact that I'd fused my contact lens to my eyes, but also for what happened to my hair later. I'd spoken far too soon when declaring it a success. Yep.
Notice something in my pics these days? Has anyone noticed? Heheh...

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I took this picture just now with my cam. Confession: I burned the hell out of the front of my head, my scalp! And some of my hair fell out right in front! Only a little bit, but I also had to cut off what WAS still there because it was so burned! It was melted! So I was posting old profile pics for awhile, thankfully being a narcissist I had plenty, heheh, and then I started
posting more recent pics, but hair done in a certain way.
This is why all the hair bands and combs.
I miss my Jesus style hair. I feel like Samson right now.

A Bit Of Good News For Me!

2007-04-03T12:37:00.000-07:00

Something good happened today for me. It doesn't have anything to do with my ex, but
in a way that's even better. Because he can't take it away from me. I'm afraid to say more partly because it hasn't happened yet. I want to say more but I can't! Shouldn't!
But I did want you all to share my good news, too. Even if you don't know why. :)
Chicky Woo says "Cheer Up!"

- - -
Ok, I know that was too damned cutesy-poo but I couldn't help it.:)

Happier Subject -My Cats and Music...

2007-03-30T10:47:00.000-07:00

My cats love my music. It's really cute. They get alll happy when I pick up my guitar
and start playing. Start acting perky and playful. I used to wonder if I was torturing
them, hehe, but they are clearly acting happy and not wounded. And they also act the same way for Nick Drake, and certain Yes songs. They really love N.D. I'll look over while listening or playing music, and my boy cat will be leaping through the air playing by himself, or my ancient girl cat will be playing with him, unusually perky herself. They're so cute.
Although it can be distracting when they knock things over while I'm trying to play and record. You can hear them in my clips. Happens a lot. It's almost like they're dancing. :)

Protecting Myself...

2007-03-29T13:19:00.000-07:00

In the interest of protecting myself, but NOT out of protecting him anymore, I deleted
those previous posts. I was so determined that for ONCE the truth be told and that I protect myself. But I really believed he didn't read my blog.
I only got specific recently.
At the least I will again officially note that he filed AFTER talking to me on the phone the other day and declaring that he HAD already filed. He lied about this. Not that it matters but it proves that he lies.Even for things that aren't even important.I guess he would want the chance to present his case first in court. Whomever files gets this.
But I will probably continue to watch what I say about him here. Even though he doesn't deserve it. He's bigger and meaner and scarier than I am.
IOW, there IS a chance that he's reading this stuff. And I was just reminded of this.

Interruptions...

2007-03-27T01:31:00.000-07:00

Take 1:

- - -

And Take 2 ( this is funny because it came out tight, but then I'm so used to getting interrupted by a certain point that I actually get confused when nothing interrupts me!). :

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The Wonders Of Stress...

2007-03-24T19:49:00.000-07:00

Well, that's something anyway. In all my stress and not eating, suddenly my clothes started falling off today. My pants literally fell down. The same jeans I wore to the Hotel Cafe a few weeks ago are now so loose that I can remove them simply by walking around. Or even standing, probably, without a belt to hold them up. I admit I had to wear a belt to the Hotel Cafe, too. But still.
Well, that's a positive in the middle of negatives. Although I have to be careful to
not gain it right back.

- - -
*note* Brown shirt, hehe, hanging off of me now - and I wasn't sucking in my stomach,
either. I've lost about 10 -15 more pounds making the total from last year's loss and now to 35 pounds:)I realize I'm not a twig, and I don't want to be, really.But It's nice being back (almost)to what I was before I was married. Waaaay long time ago.

I did make myself eat last night. Almost felt like drugs. I felt really good afterwards.:)
I haven't eaten yet today but I do feel a little hungry. Probably the 1st time I've felt hungry in weeks. I hate that feeling of trying to force yourself to eat when nothing looks or sounds good. When you absolutely don't want to. :(
As you all know, it's not drugs. Actually, I suppose that's something positive, too. I'm not drinking or taking any drugs of the sort that people take when they want to run away from pain.
You all continue to be a real source of comfort for me. Thank you.:) xoxoxoxo
*note* in the background you can see my fridge-check out what living near the ocean has done to it.That's not grime, that's rust! I scrub it, but...

Afraid...

2007-03-20T13:03:00.000-07:00

I need to get going with what I'd been talking about in a previous post. I need to go meet with someone at this org that I mentioned, but I'm afraid. And yet nothing's getting solved or even worked on while I sit and fret and worry about being homeless.
In fact I'm in worse physical pain lately because of it.
I've made a vow that before this week is over, I will do what I was talking about doing. Wish me luck and include me in prayers, if you can. I'm really frankly outright terrified. :(

I Did It!

2007-03-17T14:00:00.000-07:00

I am on Youtube now! :)
I actually figured it out, how to upload a video. I posted IMTOD. The neat thing is that you can also sit there with your webcam and make a video that goes right into Youtube! I haven't done that yet, of course. I have to many interruptions here when trying to record anything. It's the planes.
I guess this would be a copy and paste thing?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHZ_Y7a_Xqs

Already a surprising amount of viewers! Even 20 is more than I expected in a short amount of time!:)

Yay! My Timing Is Much Improved!

2007-03-11T14:08:00.000-07:00

Photo Sharing - - -

I gave this a rest and picked it back up today - my new blues song.
I can hear the improvement already! :) It's only one minute.
Not only is my timing improved, but I came in more refined in the beginning
of this one,
those high notes were a little too harsh sounding in the other clip.:)
Thanks everyone for giving me the right advice recently. It helped more than you know.
I'm feeling stronger today.:)
*Note* I changed my profile pic to match my current moods/modes. It's Sunday, I'm cleaning house. Feeling better about my life at the moment, a little stronger. :)
Thanks again everyone. xoxoxoxo

2007-03-07T22:34:00.000-08:00

Yet more...

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2007-03-07T21:59:00.000-08:00

More reposts Of Pics:

Climbing Angkor Wat ( check out my feet hanging off the steps -but I made it up there!)...

Photo Sharing - - -

And sat up front to get this one ( Thanks, "Ben" :)...

- - -

This is the Killing fields. I couldn't take many more photos while here. It felt wrong to me:(

Photo Sharing - Upload Video - Video Sharing - Share Photos

2007-03-07T21:39:00.000-08:00

Reposts(just some recent pics of note):

Photo Sharing - Upload Video - Video Sharing - Share Photos
My webcam moving itself.

Photo Sharing - Upload Video - Video Sharing - Share Photos
Again, last month.

My Life Is Falling Apart...

2007-03-06T00:21:00.000-08:00

It's official. I'll be lucky if I'm not homeless this time next month.
Why do I protect him? At the end of this month it would be our 17th wedding anniversary. He took everything during our marriage, stashed it away, kept me ignorant of computer matters and worse, afraid to use them. Then he apparently
spent it, he acts like if I divorce him I'll get nothing, that it's gone, but also
he makes little comments at times that sound mysterious and foreboding. what did he do?
I haven't got anything. He even kept all the flashlights and batteries..so that when I was without power for almost 3 days in Santee due to the fires, I had no flashlights, nothing. The coolers, ice chests,there was nothing useful.It's like he was paranoid that I would be a goldigger so he methodically all through our marriage stashed everything of value away. He even took back a coin that he'd given me as a gift! I brought in some money, but not much, I admit. But that's all he cared about with regards to me. It was steady check.
He doesn't want a divorce because all the facts are going to come out, I'll no doubt be devastated to learn he has a second wife or some such shit. Nothing would surprise me. A Lifetime movie.
And yet he lied to his mom and everyone -Yeah, he's been trashing me when as you all know, I've been good about not trashing my ex. Been lying to his family saying that he's been giving me 2 thousand a month! All this time!
When I have been whittling down whatever I had for savings in my IRA and now I'm broke!
When my Doc tells me that I'm entitled to alimony because of disability!
I have not been getting money from him most of the time these days. Certainly not ever what he claimed! I'm really scared of him, though.
He was just here screaming at me tonight. He was furious with me. Because I asked him to help me with the rent. Because we never bought a house. But if you guys
only knew. I even told him how I've been selling little things off so not to ask him for money. Just to have gas for my car etc.Groceries.
He said that we do need to get the divorce going, I agree. But he doesn't want me to talk to a lawyer or know anything about how this stuff works. He wants me to get a job and thats what he screams at me about. I tell him that I hurt, and that there's reasons I'm on disability, but he says it's not his problem. :( I know it's not but
I thought ...:(
Just so you know,I'm not ungrateful for his help. I'm really not. But I literally spent all of my IRA, etc. I didn't leave the marriage with assets of any kind.
Except for that. He tried to keep it but they tracked me down and gave it to me. Janus the IRA people.. :(
My point is that I can't keep silent about him anymore when I know he's trashing me to his parents, who I love and who loved me a lot..
They know him. I think his parents know they are lies but it still makes me sick and is why I say something NOW.
I'm through protecting him when all he has done is villify me for no reason. And kick me when I'm down.
Just because it makes him easier to live with himself, if he tells himself I'm the devil, and lazy.
He's made himself the victim. But in reality, the facts of everything speak for themselves. I've gone through some self-loathing recently over my failure to stand up for myself and for letting myself get into this situation. For not working even though I genuinely have legit problems.
He doesn't ever read my blog, I don't think.
Aw, you guys, something embarrassing: After he left, one of the neighbor girls came and brought me food! lol I was a little confused, it was very sweet, it was dinner.
Chicken and rice. Really good, although I was too upset at the time.
But the awful part is that when I was walking by my kitchen window, I realized it was open. Yep. :(
She must've heard the whole thing. This happened to me once before a really long time
ago,I've tried to be careful about crying with the window open here. The other neighbors came over then, too.:)
Anyway, that was so sweet of her, but I feel horrified for what she must've heard.
I sounded truly, truly pitiful, pathetic, wimpy, take your pick. Him screaming what a loser I am, me crying.

I guess this is my way of trying to sort this out. I've been crying all night and I'm sick of it. Pardon the rambling :(
I've just been so scared lately.

Most Excellent Show...

2007-03-02T13:23:00.000-08:00

They kicked out the jams for Roger's Birthday.:)
I need to look around for reviews of last night's show to help me outline my own. I did write a few things to a friend last night. I was amped up after I got home. Since she liked one of the things I wrote in particular, I might go ahead and post it here:

" Aw, there was this couple next to me, the guy was so excited, he kept high -fiving me. He couldn't believe they were doing ...oh, various things. Pinball wizard. See me feel me (Listening to you). He was one of those good natured types that high-five's people a lot, I guess.
They were so cute. The woman, she was a little high, something. But I tried to high- five her, too, after I high -fived her husband because we were having a happy little moment, but she didn't understand. So I patted her on the shoulder and smiled
in an understanding way. But it was sweet, a second later her husband took her hand, by her wrist, held it out, and she took my hand in a very warm friendly grab. She just didn't understand initially, and I guess he wanted me to know it. But when she got it she was very enthusiastic and really grabbed my hand hard and smiled. So it was almost like a 3 people victory hand joining.
I'm trying to describe a very cool slightly corny moment but not doing a good job of it. :)
I like how music can make people like family temporarily.
But Roger and Pete, they put that vibe in the air tonight. Definitely Rog is feeling it intensely, that family /friend love, all of what Pete is putting out. And it's so infectious.Plus Pete was just so ON musically, wow.
I've been to a lot of concerts that didn't make people feel close like that."

Sorry, that's all I got for now. :)
****Note***** Poor Metalchick! She just called me, she wants to post about last night
at her blog, but there's problems with her connection up there. So her review will be
postponed until then. I feel for her, that would be frustrating.And it was a helluva show.:) I'm glad she made it home safely.

Wow. So Bogged Down Was I...

2007-02-28T15:52:00.000-08:00

That I completely forgot, get this, I completely forgot the Who is coming to San Diego.
Tomorrow night. I almost missed it. Wow.
The Who are coming! lol :D

Just Trying To Hang In There ...

2007-02-27T23:47:00.000-08:00

Kinda going through some worries right now.The kinds of things people don't generally like to talk about. Usually too proud.
So I can only hope for the best and try not to get too down. But I'm so stressed out.
Scared. :(
I guess if people believe in God and they want to pray for me, I wouldn't mind that. :(
I'm really scared and sad right now.
I know there's interesting things going on, things I enjoy participating in.
But I may not be able to participate if...
I dunno, I need to calm down.
I'm getting a migraine or something. :(

General Spew....

2007-02-26T07:00:00.000-08:00

This post is about anything. If you want to spew anything on your mind, feel free.
I'll start:
Robin Thicke: " Lost without you" (song).
First of all, this guy looks like Alan Thicke. I never noticed it until I saw his name. Now I can't un-see it. I'd bet this guy is related to AT in some way.
Secondly: If a guy was that insecure as to be babbling constantly about "tell me you love me baby, tell me that I'm everything, tell me that you don't want to live without me, lost without yoooooooooooooooooooooooo...." I'd be running the opposite direction.
Now, I've had a similar experience, it's not pleasant. It's alarming, even a little frightening.
This reminds me...
Something happened yesterday that I feel bad about. I didn't see it coming. I had to potentially break someone's heart yesterday and I didn't see it coming. Sigh...
I think I broke someone's heart yesterday and it makes me cry because I hate the feeling. He looked me in the eyes, grabbed me, he was standing close, and he said
" Don't you understand? I love you!" And he was crying! :(
It concerned my being mad at the person, ahem...
It was that guy that I've mentioned that I dated one time but was a platonic friend to me. A newer friend. I'm not attracted to him like that. He'd bragged about his...
Anyway, I'd kinda wondered about it here and there, but thought "Nah...you're just thinking everyone's in love with you. Next you'll be thinking the mail woman will be in love with you."
Nope. I was right.
It was awful. I think he wanted to kiss me on the lips when he said it.
I pulled my head back, pulled away a little, and said " Aw, I love you too, _______!!
As a friend, of course, I love all my friends!" I was thrown off.
I know, I know.
See why I feel horrible? I literally said that. And yes, he had the exact
reaction that you might expect. Him picking his heart up off the floor while I turn my head and pretend not to watch or know what's happening. :(
Before he left he said...
"I didn't meant what you think anyway."
And I said " Oh, I'm glad I was just tripping or something then! Sorry about that!"
Giving him the out but...it was bad. He'd meant it. He was crying you guys. :(

Anyway, this leads me to another gripe, actually.
I'm going to get flak for this probably.
I don't like that song "It breaks my haahhaahahahahahahahah-heart" Yes.
At first I thought "Regina Spektor- How cute, what a catchy little tune!"
I was in Asia when I first heard it, actually. Asian MTV.

FF 6 months later, it literally just now played on VH1, reminding me of it.
Only now, I don't like it on principle. I don't think I like songs that I feel make a mockery of heartbreak.
She oughtta be wailing, shrieking, " IT BREAKS MY HEAAARRT!!!WWWWAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH"
Instead of "Oh, hahaha, 'twat's a lil heartbreak, eh? Hahah, I've never experienced true loss. Let's sip some tea and be princesses".
Sorry.
No, no. No. NO. I'm not sorry.
I like her, she's cute, and I don't take her seriously as anything more than a pop-song writer, if that.A piano twinkler with a cute smile.
My ex said she was fat, I actually liked that about her.:)
I'm sure she's not reading this, so I'm not worried about hurting the little crumpet's feelings. Aw, I don't mean to sound unkind, she's a cutie-pie.
Actually, she might be from Long Island for all I know. I still say what I say.
That's my spew.
Let's see...
I liked Pete's prologue. Engrossing. Wanted more. Dammit.
*Note* My email address was missing and I didn't know it.New blogger again.
Glad I thought to check and see if it was there just now. I put it back ;)

This Fucking Rocks, Dammit! lol

2007-02-21T19:15:00.000-08:00

It's only 1:11 but it rocks! This made my friend laugh and exclaim, "Wow, that's Killer!" and I admit I think so, too. I can hear where it's going. Obviously raw because it's a new song, starts off a little halting but gets going good.:

- - -

*note* the shirt is the "bangers out" shirt, but also it is the exact shirt I was wearing in my very 1st blogger profile photo. The one where I was swigging the bottle of alcohol.Don't know how many of you remember that photo. That's why I'm wearing it for that new profile photo. Kinda sentimental.Aw...:)

What I would have said...

2007-02-18T13:33:00.000-08:00

I would have said:
Hi Pete!
Er..."team member" hmm...
I suppose I shouldn't even bother to try and post then. :)
But I just wanted to say how tickled I am to see your blog back up. Looking forward to reading whatever you choose to put here as long as it's amusing, clever, brilliant, always "On" and ALWAYS referring to the Who- hehe ;)
Lisa

Imbibing a bit and blogging ( Or: Bangers out!)...

2007-02-18T00:32:00.000-08:00

I actually like this photo of myself neck up, but wasn't going to post it because of the "Bangers". But then I thought "Why not?" It's not pornographic, and Rachel's ITA fashion segment ( that you can see yourself if you go to www.intheattic.tv and look at the lower part of the screen) gave a compelling argument as to why to have "bangers out". I'm trying to embrace my bangers, hehe, not literally but it's a tasteful pic, I think. Doesn't seem to be anything wrong with it right now.

Lol...it just occurred to me that I may yank it tomorrow morning when I wake up. In fact I am sleepy right now..Goodnight! :)

The Attic Cheered Me Up:)

2007-02-10T21:16:00.000-08:00

I was inspired. Thanks Pete, Rachel, and Andrew! ;)
My "Why Do People Lie?" song hadn't been played on the new guitar. This clip rattled me, actually.
This time the camera's movement seemed really distinct to me. You'll see if you sit through about 30 seconds or so ( it's only about 50 seconds:). This just happened, btw. Live, 5 minutes ago:

- - -

I went ahead and used the clip with Ghosty to play my little solo over it.
("They lie because they're afraid" ) It's so different playing the old stuff on the new guitar, easier. Sounds better. It's a real guitar. :) . Remember, I just did this now, still a little rattled.:
- - -

Something that bothered me...

2007-02-09T23:13:00.000-08:00

More than 12 hospitals now ( another one reported tonight) around Los Angeles have had charges filed for dumping elderly sick homeless people on the streets. This one today: A man in a soiled hospital gown clutching a colostomy bag was dumped onto the sidewalk, literally, by a woman in a hospital van. Hollywood Presbyterian Hospital. When witnesses saw what was happening, the man laying on the sidewalk, they yelled, and the woman reportedly yelled back: "You help him!" and drove away.
And yet in Boston millions was reportedly spent on those ad promos that were found around the city, planted by the cartoon network. And no other cities, cities that had these same promos, none of them reacted this way.
That isn't the point. Boston. The point is that the US is really out of control with the spending on security measures, when they don't give a fuck about their sick or elderly citizens to begin with.
More and more hospitals in the U.S. are apparently feeling that it's ok to dump sick people on the streets to lay helpless clutching their colostomy bags. He didn't even have clothing on, other than a hospital gown!
Why is the US spending millions to protect this man from terrorists? They are taking the money from that elderly man's social security and other health-related programs and dumping him on the street to lay in his own filth on the streets of LA in broad daylight. I dunno. This is crazy to me!

2007-02-01T22:37:00.001-08:00

Take 1 (of solo I'm working on) :

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Take 2 (same solo):

Photo Sharing - - -

Hibernating (Brrrr it's cold!)...

2007-01-16T20:08:00.000-08:00

It's been far colder here than I'm used to. I actually saw my own breath,it was that cold inside my own little house! No wonder I didn't want to get out of bed this morning!
I'm still in blah mode, though. I hate it, I hate being such a lamer. I tell myself that everything's going to be ok ( money worries, various problems, etc) but then this little counter voice says " No it's not, it's NOT going to be ok."
Now, this isn't a real voice, heheh, don't get the wrong idea. But it's still negativity trying to interject itself into my consciousness.
At least I'm aware of it, I guess.
But seriously, things don't feel like they are going to be ok.
I know others have it far worse than me. I don't mean to sound like a big baby.:(
In fact I'm going through this low-self-esteem phase. I hope it's a phase, anyway.
It's not really based on anything, nothing happened, anyway. I even had a date the other night.
A good-looking guy - aquaintance asked me out, I went. Other women had said that I should go. It was ok, except...I'm not really attracted to the guy "like that". Maybe I could have been, who knows, but there were little things that were ultimately a turn -off. His shirt was unbuttoned too low, for one. With all chest hairs showing... Yep. I'd never seen him looking that way before. It was a different side of this guy. He'd seemed ok until then.
He doesn't have my blog address. So he won't know these things. But with how cold it's been, to have one's shirt unbuttoned that low? And I could practically see his frozen nipples, the shirt was unbuttoned below them! Yep! If he'd moved right, I would have seen them! This was 20 degree farenheit weather, with wind chill factor, to boot.:) It foretold more disturbing things to come, anyway.

In any case, I'm just tired of BS. And I'm hibernating now. Once again I'm sorry for my bad blogging ways. But at the same time I'm thankful to you for checking on me.
Peeking into the room to see if I'm still breathing, while I'm asleep. In my hibernation. :)
*NOTE* Rachel's plans for world domination:www.intheattic.btpodshow.com

Happy New Year**

2007-01-01T00:50:00.000-08:00

Happy 2007 everyone!
I started to write some BS just now about being cautiously optimistic. I'm not really cautiously optimistic. I wish I was.
Actually, there were quite a few genuinely wonderful moments (for me) in 2006. There were times in 2006 when I was happy to be alive and I knew it. I am appreciative of those special moments, and I hope there are more of them this year, for all of us.:):):)
Thanks everyone for helping me get through 2006. Including this past Christmas. I need to try and catch up with each of you. Depression makes me feel like I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I'm sorry I've been so lame about replying. :( xoxoxoxo

Trouble Came Calling (Or: Why I am alone again this year...)

2006-12-24T17:07:00.000-08:00

Trouble came calling this year in April. When people make jokes about suicide, one can't ignore it.So I didn't, and I helped him to get back on his feet. Fast forward to the end of the year, I gave Trouble his stuff in a black plastic garbage bag after my birthday ( in mid nov.). Clothes, toothbrush, etc.I know it was the right thing to do, but it hurt. It didn't just hurt him, it hurt me. And times like the holidays, it's really hard to be alone. But I'd had to do it. There had been so much hurtful drama since he came back into my life this year. He seems to enjoy hurting me. Playing games.
The past few years have been about ridding my life of toxic people. But as a result, I'm spending Christmas alone again.:(
I had some good times this year. I have to remember that.

Happy Holidays Everyone

2006-12-24T14:29:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas Eve already? Thanks to everyone that has come and given me well-wishes the past couple of days-I have a lot of blogging to catch up on with you!
Christmas is still not the easiest time for me.
It's probably obvious when my blog dies that I'm going through hard times.
But just the past couple of days a bunch of holiday elves and fairies have come by to visit. ;)
It has helped me. Thanks you guys.

10 Things I Would Never Do...

2006-12-08T19:21:00.000-08:00

1. Get involved with a married man or someone that is in a known committed relationship. If someone's relationship is going to fall apart with another person, it's going to do so on it's own, not with me as participant in it's destruction. I'll not ever wreck love (or especially a family!)if I can help it.
2. I'll not turn my back on a close friend unless they aren't my friend anymore. Which means that I'll not turn my back on a close friend. They will have had to do something really awful to lose my friendship. I'm loyal to people that I consider to be my friends.
3. I would never torture an animal. I had to amend this because I would kill an animal for food, possibly.Even then, under very specific and harsh circumstances. Otherwise, I'd never kill an animal. So I had to amend this to "I'd never torture an animal."
Because I definitely would never do that. On the hypocritical side of the coin, I would freak out if I ever caught someone torturing an animal. I think I could kill a human being, or at least be violent in certain circumstances if I had to. Actually, If I came home and caught someone killing or torturing MY animals, I could kill them. I probably would try somehow. This isn't a good subject. Let's try to come up with something more cheerful...
4. I won't steal. I never steal, I don't, I won't. Not a thief. And I *HATE* when people have stolen from me, in my life.
5. I would never be disrespectful to the elderly, and I'll not be impolite, in general.
6. I'll never eat ham. Yuck. I once read that it's the closest of meats to resembling human flesh. This only reinforced my revulsion. I do, however, like bacon! And some sausage! Go figure! :)
7. I'll never lie about the big stuff. And I try to never lie. I'll not be dishonest, let's put it that way. :)
8.I would never wear clothes with horizontal stripes on them. No explanation needed.;)
9.I would never say anything behind someone's back that I wouldn't say to their face.
10. I would never say never.;)

*Update on #10. I would never say never- except for 1.,2.,3.,5.
I do stand by those.:)

More speculation about ghosts...

2006-12-06T18:44:00.000-08:00

Well, so I'm wondering about this stuff again. I've questioned whether it could be people on another level of existence.
Here's my new thought: What if ghosts are really what we do when we're dreaming? Like astral projecting. I'm once again theorizing that ghosts aren't dead people. Oh, they are something, but not dead. I think there's clearly something to do with energy, look at my camera phenomena.
What if all these PC's and webcams are giving ghosts a place to go and a way to live? Ghosts in the machine, but literally. I'm sure I'm not the first to question this with the advent of all these PC's. And with the thought that we are pure energy, anyway.
Just something that's on my mind since seeing the camera move and capturing it recently. Otherwise been pretty blah. Heh, I'm blahging right now.

- - - ( unknowingly capturing the movement.)

My New Guitar (and Ghosty's Re-appearence?)...

2006-12-02T00:50:00.000-08:00

- - -

I got distracted while playing part 1 of "In my Time" ( see previous post)I SAW the screen move! Which means I saw the camera move. While I was playing! I am kinda bothered by it,one can see the sudden distraction... and it affects my "performance".
When I paused where it happened, it split screened. You can see it:

- - -
* Note* Thanks to Maria (E.L.) for save screening it for me, I'd been quite rattled last night when I'd emailed her about having witnessed the camera move while I was playing. I swear to you, I saw it. :(
But anyway, thanks Maria for emailing me the jpg, so that now I have posted it for all!

Musical Breakthrough...

2006-11-29T18:16:00.000-08:00

It's part one of "In My time Of Dying" by...well, hmm...
Robert Johnson? Ledbetter? Lisa doing Led Zeppelin doing Robert Johnson?
I just came across this by accident 2-3 days ago. I realize I should be playing slide guitar, but I'm doing what I can. I can't wait until my new guitar comes!:) This guitar has a short in it. Had to fiddle with it for about 5 minutes to get it to even work.
Was actually pretty frustrating. Something to do with the volume knob.You can't move around at all while playing this guitar, it will die.I was lucky it played for 2 minutes.>:( The new guitar should come any day now...

- - -

Thanks Everyone...

2006-11-27T15:19:00.001-08:00

Thanks everyone that responded to my recent posts, definitely I was NOT Ok recently.
But I'm trying to pull out of it. Staying away from drink is helping. So I figured I'd share something funny that did happen recently, when I was drunk.
Apparently I got it into my head to perm my hair. Yeah. Dunno what I was thinking with that in the first place.And whilst I was shitfaced, I managed to actually do a really good roll up. That is the most important part of a successful perm, ladies know. The rolling/curlers. So I was actually happy and confident at this point. What I did not think about, being drunk, was the fact that I had my contact lens in.
Yep.
The perm solution dripped into my eyes. Intense, immediate, blinding, excruciating pain occurred. I realized what was happening- I had to get those lens out of there! My eyes were determined to stay squeezed shut, due to the burning, but the burning was in fact my lens melting! Fusing themselves to my eyes!
"Ah God, ack...fuck...oh man" I wept, the tears helping, plus the water I was trying
to squirt in there. Managed to get ahold of the left eye lens, and I pulled. It literally was stuck to my eye.I felt it tug, but I did manage to remove it. Instantly my left eye fogged over.
So I grabbed the right lens. BTW, I no longer felt drunk in anyway whatsoever. The pain was so intense. But here's the really gruesome part:
When I pulled on the right lens, it wasn't coming away from my eye! I saw, I actually saw, my eye move and start to come out of the socket! Eeeew!!! Before finally the
lens came free from my eye with a plop and that eye fogged over! That was amazingly
horrible to witness!
What a Goddamn, drunken idiot I was! What the hell was I thinking? :)
That was sooo gruesome, I can still barely think of it without feeling queasy.
But the best part: The perm still came out ok! What are you going to do, at that point? Kinda had to finish it! Hehe...the determination of women sometimes when it comes to these things.:)
My eyes were ok after a few days of rest and no contacts. I actually am only now wearing my lens today, they feel fine. I got lucky, I realize.
As I said the perm is ok, I guess. You can see it in the current profile pic. That is actually the humorous, gruesome, true and extremely stupid tale behind the current profile pic.
It's bad enough to be perming. That alone is ...but to be perming drunk! And then to be wearing contact lens! Haha! :)
Hopefully this made you smile.

9 more...

2006-11-21T15:38:00.000-08:00

Since some of those were repeats and I was technically cheating, here are 9 more:

1.. My fave color Royal blue.But I admit it, I also like hot pink/magenta. I hate dusty rose.
2. I hate clutter. I'm actually a minimalist, but it hasn't worked out for me. My house is cluttered. And if I could I'd have a sci-fi-looking house. But fortress -like.
3. I am a bit of a technophobe.Electronic things make me nervous.
4. I have had such crippling stage fright when it comes to my guitar and singing, over my lifetime, that it has kept me from pursuing a musical career and I only
overcame it a couple of years ago-still need to work on it,though.
5. I'm tallish, 5' 7.
6. I don't like whipped cream and I am an ice cream snob. It has to be pure ingredients. Haagin Dazs.
7. I've never had chicken pox.
8.I've shattered and broken my both of my ear drums not once, not twice, but three! times. This is true.
9.I love to laugh and have a good sense of humor (I think)

That's all for now! :)

I Been Tagged ( Deja Vu)...

2006-11-21T11:32:00.000-08:00

And wait until you see who I am tagging! Ha!
Ok, let's see...9 things. But forgive me if there are repeats here:

1. I am left-handed but truly ambidextrous. Guitar, sports, everything I do is right-handed. Except for writing. That's really the only thing I do left-handed.
I even punch, swing on people, right-handed! Not that I go around hitting people.
But I have gotten into a few scraps with my brother and a few others when I was a kid,enough to know.
2.Actually, let me explain. I hated bullies. The only people I ever beat the crap out of were usually bullies that I caught beating up on smaller people. Or weaker people.
I became popular for this in 6th grade.People knew I was fighting for peace. Heheh.
3. This was also my jock phase of my existence. I was really good at sports in school until I discovered smoking. :(
4. Allegedly I am psychic. I have been told this a lot and to give credit there have been too many scary examples to count. But I am also surprisingly skeptical, don't believe in God. And there are logical examples for things that seem paranormal(counts as #5).
5. ( see #4.)
6.I was once a hard-core vegetarian for a few years. Damn near a hippie.
7. The ring and pinky finger of my left hand is substantially shorter than my right,
due to an accident when I was a kid of about 2 or 3. Hence my funky playing style.
Since they were severed, it's a wonder I'm playing guitar at all. I felt the need to mention this again because I don't think a lot of people actually realize this. I should photograph those two fingers. They were sewn back on. Microsurgery ( and this was like 1970!).
My mom was so pleased with the doctor and the outcome that even though we were really poor at times,
she paid the whole thing off. Took 10 years, and even if she only sent 5 bucks a month, she was faithful with it.I'm appreciative of the fact that they allowed her to pay it off like that. And that I have fingers. lol
8. Everyone in my family is dead except for my brother. We apparently die young and leave good looking corpses hehe. Although...
9. Twins run in my family. Most likely if I ever finally have kids they will be twins.
10. But music also runs in my family. My Grampa kicked ass on the guitar and banjo.
Bluegrass. It's funny because he was sooo Italian. You wouldn't expect it, But he picked and grinned with Andy Griffith and all those guys. Stole Andy's fiancee and married her. My grandmother, who was beautiful in the pics I saw..
10. I have been a studio vocalist in my life when I was a kid. Actual paid work.
Anyway.

I tag Pete, Rachel, Mikey, Rene, Justin, Simon, Maria, Gary ( again), Ticharu.
And Maria, if I did this, you could do it! Think of the company you are in here,
Pete and Rachel! We - I-want to know more about you, girl!
But we'll see if they do it! Probably not! lolol

Came Close....

2006-11-20T09:43:00.000-08:00

Last night I was drunk and suicidal. I even posted about it, left a post up about being
close. That's what I wrote. " I am so close right now. And I've never had such easy ways to kill myself. Heart meds that slow my heart down, pills that would knock me out, plus alcohol."
I was so close last night. I wrote about how I could buy a Rickenbacher, someone offered me one. But that nothing mattered anymore. Wrote about feeling sorry for myself, I knew it sounded like a pity -party.

It's Monday morning and I looked and I must have deleted the post because I knew it would scare people. I really came so close to doing something lethal last night to myself. If you did happen to come by last night and see that post, you know it was bad. Actually, it would have alarmed anyone that had read it.
Anyway.
It's Monday morning and here I am. And whilst I'm having a hard time, nothing makes depression worse like alcohol.
Please, anyone, anyone that reads this, if you have problems with depression and drink, at least try to give up the drink. It makes it all so much worse. I almost died last night. I literally almost died last night. I had my bottle of rum, I had heart pills, all of it lined up here in front of me. It wasn't fear that kept me from swallowing the pills and alcohol. It was the thought that I might hurt people by doing it. That's the only reason I am alive this morning. Also I thought of Nick Drake and how I felt when I learned he'd died so young. How he'd died. Not that I am Nick Drake.
And I'm glad that I am alive this morning. As bad as I feel I don't feel as bad as I did last night. God I came close!

2006-11-16T19:21:00.001-08:00

"It's my Birthday and I'll post if I want to, post if I want to, post if I want to"
Figuring since it's MY day that I'd post this crap, even though it's the usual. It's the most recent progress on the latest solo. It's morphing. It's only a minute. I'm kind of cranky in this one but then I wound up being pleased enough with the progress of it. It's at least showing noticeable improvement. Actually, from last year to this one has been a lot of guitar improvement just in general. This has been an interesting experiment.Thanks for listening.:)
*Note* I didn't mean to sound obnoxious (if I did come off that way)in the beginning of this post. I was just joking around.:)

- - -

Nothing's Easy...

2006-11-15T17:50:00.000-08:00

Nothing is easy
Though time gets you worrying My friend, its o.k
Just take your life easy
And stop all that hurrying,
Be happy my way.
When tension starts mounting
And you've lost count
Of the pennies you've missed,
Just try hard and see why they're not worrying me,
They're last on my list
Nothing's easy

Nothing is easy, you'll find that the squeeze wont turn out so bad
Your fingers may freeze, worse things happen
It seems there's good times to be had
So if you're alone and you're down to the bone,
Just give us a play
You'll smile in a while and discover
That I'll get you happy my way
Nothing's easy

Jethro Tull song that I just heard. The words really struck me just now. Good stuff.

It's Official...

2006-11-15T10:25:00.000-08:00

Bought a ticket. But damn,I shouldn't have lagged. It was oh, 10:05 by the time I got in.In that space of time, using "Get whatever the hell you can" I was only able to get:
Let's see...
Seat location: section LL21, row 7, seat 8

The IpayOne which IS the Sports Aroma. I didn't know the name had been changed.Shows you how out of touch I am with seeing shows there. The last time had been Page/Plant.
Was unhappy with the seats, I'd been in the nosebleed section behind the stage. It felt like an off night. Jimmy Page wasn't playing his own leads/solos.
Anyway, I believe I'm closer than the very last rows behind the stage up near the ceiling.That was as far away as you can get.
I'll have to go scrutinize the chart.
*note* That last paragraph was worded so that one got the wrong impression about seating.This ticket is on the floor, but back far from the stage. At least it's not behind the stage and back up in nosebleed land, like P/P.

Hopeful, Happy...

2006-11-14T08:51:00.000-08:00

Well, a lot of you know that new dates were added, including San Diego - Woohoo!
I'm happy about this, and yet concerned. I admit it. Not sure what kind of prices we are talking about. Of course I want to go, badly. It was amazing recently up in L.A..
I suppose I will try, which means that I will go, somehow. I have to. Seems like it's almost fated! How could I not go in my own hometown? :)

BTW, in my other blog I was posting some bad cam clips, "Find the lead/solo". It's for my "You can tell me anything my friend" song. But they are good clips because you can hear the ideas coming together. This is the result of parts one and two. It's part 3 of "find the solo." It's getting found! I have spared you parts one and two.
Part 3 is painful enough. Hehe...

- - -

A Special Night...

2006-11-08T11:02:00.000-08:00

This from the man himself, at the end of the evening. I believe he said : "Well, this really was quite a special evening I think." To which the crowd agreed by cheering enthusiastically. It made up for my missing Friday night's gathering. I was glad I'd
made it this time. :)
I'm trying to articulate my thoughts, to capture the moments, describe the evening for
you so that you can feel it as if you were there. I'm failing. But let me post this for now just to let all know that I made it! There were some funny moments, such as the fact that I stood right next to Glen Ballard for quite a bit, and pretended not to know who he was so that he could relax and enjoy the music. In fact, I behaved very enthusiastically for Simon , Mikey, and Rachel so that he could see the reaction they get from the audience. Just in case.:)

Ok, this is the add-on:
I also met Gary, Stephanie, Metalchick, Alecia, Molly, Sue, I Am One ( I think), Justin, Dan L, his friend Allen(?), and others that I didn't recognize in person but may have known online. Would like to have met any others. :)
Let's see...
I appreciate that there are people that enjoy the posts about the concerts. I am the same way! :D
So I'm trying to remember little details...
Heheh, Gary and I were outside when a living, brightly flashing juggernaut slowly passed by. A mass of people, a swarming mob. In the center is a tall man, a gentle smile on his face, patient and kind. Taking up the pens offered and signing what is put in front of him. It is Pete.
He was literally only about 3 or 4 feet away, something like that. The image amused me, and I couldn't help but call out in a fake but pretty passable English accent :
" Why, what an accomidating man he is!"
And Pete looked at me, and laughed/chuckled. :)

If I remember any more little things I'll post them. I thought that was pretty funny, cute.
OT: Rose Hill Drive needs to change their name. In my opinion. i and others have been unable to remember the name. Even though it was in context of discussing how damned good they are. When people are discussing how great a band is and yet no one can remember what their name,makes me think it's a good idea.
They got the most enthusiastic response I have ever heard for an unknown opening band. And this was at the Hollywood Bowl.
*Yet another update* Remembering something Pete said that was beautiful, I thought.
Pete did Blue, Red, and Gray with the ukelele, and it was gorgeous. Truth be known,
it made me cry a little. I was just so happy. I never thought I'd hear him do that song. And I was so close! The ukele sounded so sweet...
Anyway,when the song was over he said:
" You know, when I first wrote that song it was a rough place in my life, and I wasn't loving every minute
of the day - it was really a sarcastic song. ( Sings I love every minute of the day in a sarcastic sounding way, the audience chuckles)
But recently, I've come to feel differently. It's like for the first time in my life I'm allowing myself to be happy, finally, and to feel that every moment
IS precious and beautiful. ( audience whoops and cheers when he says this) ...So I no longer hate doing this song. It's actually a rather sweet little song."

Anyway, I am trying to be as accurate as possible, and I hope I am succeeding. :)

A Real Horror Story...

2006-10-31T12:44:00.000-08:00

I can't help but return to the story of Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge ( Red Khmer)on a day like today. A night like tonight.For if spirits roam the earth on all Hallow's Eve, then surely the killing fields are active right now...

- - -
Look closely at this pic. It should reveal more details... :(
Bits of lace, buttons, various clothing.
On April 17th, 1975, Pol Pot's Khmer Rouge army rolled into Phnom Penh and began what became a death toll of three million people.A complete and utter bloodbath. He'd begun by declaring, "This is Year Zero," announcing that society was about to be "purified". Men, women, children, elderly were all awakened and pulled from their beds.
A forced march followed...

- - -
This tower is obscene in it's height, the quantity of skulls that it contains...

- - -
Pol Pot and his right hand man Chit Cheun "The Butcher" never paid for this. They died of natural causes.:(
The one good thing that came out of this that I could see was a zest for life, a love of life and a
joy of life that I'd never seen on such a mass level before. The Cambodian people seem to be the happiest people I've ever seen. And Cambodia is on the mend, and is
in fact on the verge of 1st world status. It's getting there. :)

A Few More Pics...

2006-10-30T18:36:00.000-08:00

Diamond head and more hotel views...also a sweet little altar.

2006-10-26T17:17:00.000-07:00

Oh, Oahu!
Ok, I admit it. I went to Hawaii last weekend. It was an extremely short visit, but we made the most of it. Had an incredible view from our room...

2006-10-24T21:31:00.000-07:00

For you, my friends. It's actually the updated version of a song I first came up with last year. You might remember this song. Actually, looking back, I think it was how I felt during TBWHM blogging days. How I tried to think/be.Definitely coming along, getting more polished.:)

- - -

2006-10-24T18:16:00.000-07:00

Sudden Musical Development. It's funny, but there's clearly some steps being made in my version of Baba O Reilly. Too long though, 3 minutes. It was spur of the moment progress, caught on tape. :)

- - -

Shocking ( For Me) Weight Development...

2006-10-24T11:18:00.001-07:00

Just weighed myself after returning from a trip this weekend.
The official total from when I began dieting several months ago:
37 pounds!Oh My Gawd! This is stunning! This means that I am already 15 pounds thinner than those full-body pics I posted awhile back.
Unfortunately, my face hasn't been looking so good. I realize that I've been looking haggard, older. At least I know why. I haven't been getting enough sleep, food, or water.The lack of water and sleep have been the more damaging factors.Frowning all the time.

I'm happy about losing the 20 that I'd gained last year, plus 15 more. But I can't let it be at the expense of my skin. I've had all these awful spots lately (Rachel calls them spots, I like that.:).
I know I need to lose even more, sure, but I have to really stop the stressing. I swear to you there haven't been drugs or chemicals involved. It's been sadness ,I've been too upset to eat. Depression. :(
I need to get more sleep and drink more water. That alone will help. And it helps to write this stuff out sometimes.

Rachel Fuller....

2006-10-16T09:14:00.000-07:00

Rachel Fuller is this really talented woman, she has an amazing voice and plays piano insanely well.But it isn't just that... She's funny, sweet, charming, bright, looks like an angel but drinks, smokes, and curses like the devil. Well ok, I don't think she drinks like the devil unless the devil likes coffee but that's a good thing isn't it?
Anyway, here's her link. She even provides free entertainemnt for you, although you should buy her albums. You won't regret it, I swear:http://www.intheattic.tv/index.cfm

2006-10-14T23:12:00.001-07:00

Trying to play my blues away. Looks like it's working, a little. I like how you can capture ideas as they happen with the cams...It's funny because I can imagine someone watching this and saying "um, not quite.I think I see what you're trying to do...ok, now you're getting it. Hey, there you go, you got it!"
I've been using my pinky more these days.
Sorry I look like hell, but it's 11 at night and I've been crying for a couple of days. I've lost a couple more pounds, too. At least that's something positive.
Thank you for caring and being here for me. It means a lot to me.:)

I wish....

2006-10-13T01:45:00.000-07:00

I wish I could talk about what I've been going through just the past couple of days. Last night I posted a long,
confusing, mysterious post about things I'm going through. But I erased it. I'm trying to protect the anonymity of someone that doesn't even deserve it.
Let's put it this way: Apparently someone DID come back into my life just to hurt me.
Play games. Lie. Traumatize me.
If I'd known certain things ahead of time, I wouldn't have even answered the phone when he called. I'm Feeling despondent.
Pray for me if you believe. I'm not ok right now. Drunk and depressed aren't good combos, I realize that. I'm not going to do myself in ronight, anyway.
But I need prayers. Someone is trying to hurt me and is succeeding. I couldn't believe xomeone would be so cruel as to come back into my life with the purpose of hurting me.
So I let them in. I thought they needed help, a friend. Turned out to be a game. It's all a game. It's a game now. What's funny is I'm not suppsoed to know certain things that I found out. Yep. I'm supposed to be confused.
I want to enlighten but I can't. I'm so sad right now. :(
I wish I could explain. I found some stuff out yesterday.:(

2006-10-06T13:37:00.001-07:00

"Uh yeah, Hi, I'd like to order a pizza to be delivered..."
It wasn't just Happy Pizza. It was Feckin' Ecstatic Pizza!
It was actually really good, too. ;) I loved the sign outside, it drew me in. It was this happy face superimposed over a photo of a pizza. Made me laugh when I saw it, I wish they'd been able to print that on the T-shirts. I bought this T-shirt for about 3 bucks or so.
There's the phone number, if you want to try and get a pizza delivered internationally.:)

Creative Use Of Profile Pics...

2006-10-06T10:08:00.000-07:00

I like changing the profile pic often, as you all know. But it's because I like using it as a sort of temperature gauge, or mood ring. An indicator of the current moods.That last one was literally taken saturday night, all's fun, etc. This one is more somber taken Monday, with an odd bluish-green cast that matched what I was feeling when I took the picture.
I wonder if that was my mood captured on film. Because the camera wasn't deliberately set that way, and the rest of the pics didn't come out like that. Not that one can do such a thing without trickery. I swear I didn't. Maybe the software is *ucking up.
Anyhoo.

Inspired...

2006-10-03T13:48:00.000-07:00

Got inspired watching the Flaming Lips do a cover of Baba O' Riley. Made me wonder if I could do the little guitar lead thingie. And yet I am confused about the chords to the song.It looked different the way they were playing it.Dunno.
In any case, here's my little guitar blurb that I just came up with. Sloppy, but not bad. Hope it makes ya smile:)
Photo Sharing - - -

2006-10-03T10:42:00.000-07:00

Still working on the lead for this one. I do have words for this song, but I'm not happy with them right now. And I actually have trouble playing for extended periods of time because I live in a flight path and it invariably, inevitably cuts me off. Take 3,000 of trying to find a lead:
- - -

"The Pot "

2006-10-03T08:44:00.000-07:00

Heard some of the new Tool,I'm digging the words: "Foot in mouth and head up ass, what you talkin' bout?" Could he be talking about Bush? Heheh... From a song called "The Pot". Check it out!
I've heard one other song, called "Vicarious". Both more heavy. But there is a revisiting of that certain feel the last album had.
I give these two songs a thumbs up. Can't speak about the rest of the album. But from what I've heard, new Tool Rocks! :)

2006-09-25T14:11:00.000-07:00

Finally some words for these chords...
- -
Feels good to play guitar again. I did miss "her".:)

Cruising Through Phnom Penh...

2006-09-23T11:08:00.000-07:00

See if you can figure this out. The streets of P.P. Makes the driving in TJ seem orderly and normal. And yet there is a joyous feeling of freedom when you are immersed in this craziness. I saw a stately, dignified woman of about 80 riding a bike of her own. A sporty red speedbike of some sort. Spine perfectly straight. In fact, all the women riding the bikes seemed so proud and dignified, perfect posture. Some with face masks. Look closely at these photos. The details are great. The woman has a child with her. The people of Cambodia ride 3, 4, 5? At a time on the bikes, btw.

They have a stoplight now, at least. Pnomh Penh.The hand in pic #1 belongs to "Ben", and I'm in the front seat with the camera. I did that with no other driver, btw.
I was loving the slice of Cambodian life. The drive though the country was a whole nother experience entirely. Even Ben laughed when we passed a truck with 30? People riding in a white toyota, including one on the hood.
Ben was great. He became a friend. Unfortunately he couldn't drive Siem Reap for us. But Tang did take us to the Wat that I will never forget.
The cab drivers of Asia, damn...

Because I have such body issues...

2006-09-21T11:35:00.000-07:00

I just now took these. I am holding a broom to push the button to take the pics. I'm so self-conscious and feel so fat in the previous pics. I already feel fat all the time, anyway.
And it's not even that I care if people are fat or not. In fact, I hate how mean people are about overweight people on TV and other places. And how focused and obsessed I and others are about it. I am dieting right now- as usual, actually.Yeah, I'm fat. I have no illusions. At least it's mostly in the right places. I don't care if others weigh 500 pounds. It's me that I care about being fat. But I do need to stop being so self-conscious about it.
I purposely put my kimono blouse on because it's in my current profile pic. But also, off-topic, there is a strange pink or reddish light that showed up in this shot near my face...wonder if it will translate in the transfer...*note: Hmm. It did transfer. What the hell is that?
*note 2* In most ways I am brave in life. Hell, I'm so brave it's stupid. I know this. :)
But this was the holdout. My one area of fear. Now you finally know what's below the neck/shoulders. So now I don't care and it's nice. No more fear. lol